During the last six month I have tried desperately and successfully to lose weight. To date I have lost twenty-six pounds. Can you imagine how much butter that equals, packed around my formerly-known-as-massive ass?

I have never been one to follow though with goals that I set for myself, but this time I have exceeded my expectations. Yay for me! But there's no fast or easy way to lose weight. You can't rub cream on your ass hoping it will disolve your flab leaving you free to eat mindlessly. So I did it the old fashioned way. I changed how I ate and I took up excersize. The end.

It's my philosophy that you should eat things that you love and are good for you. You also don't need to starve. EAT OFTEN. So I have tried to find recipes that don't leave me or my pallete feeling deprived. I came across this recipe on the internet while looking for different ways to cook a spaghetti squash.

This week I finally got outside and cleaned the dead vegetable plants out of the garden before it got cold enough for my nipples to register the temperature.

This has been my first successful garden. And a smashing success it was. It provided the family with tomatoes, lettuce, carrots, peppers, onions, herbs, pumpkins and watermelon. In the last month I have canned enough spaghetti sauce, salsa and tomatoes to fill Tony Soprano's year's supply.

I was waiting in line at the DMV. When my number was called I approached the counter. My girls were swarming around me like flies on pooh. I could tell the lady at the counter was having a bad day or this sour personaility was the prerequisite to a government job. She looked as if she was going to devour me. When our transaction was finished she asked me in a cold voice, "What did you do to deserve all girls?"

Who had peed in her cheerios that morning? I really took offense with her attitude. At first I wanted to tell her about the different sexual positions that would achieve the all girl status that we currently have. Instead I said, "Something spectacular, I assure you!"

The lady was prying her foot out her mouth as I walked away. The children were being as loud as possible. Something I didn't seem to mind a bit at that moment.

I have great fondness for doors. The first door that I ever purchased was a garage sale find seven or eight years ago. I had been looking for a door to prop in the corner of my living room to provide height and some architectural value in a room that didn't have any interesting structure. It still has all its original hardware including the hinges. For garnish, I keep a seasonal wreath on the door.

A decorated door can add needed texture to an otherwise boring corner.

A similar treatment on this door is used to liven up a basement hallway with limited design options.

Once my old door collection had begun, it was time to find the perfect specimen for the coffee table I had always wanted to make out of a door. So the search began for the right size door.

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You decorate badly.

Like my friend, Missy, who takes pitty on ugly children and gives them free haircuts, I am here to rescue you from your bad decorating. Oh sure I am just an amateur, but I think you'll find that I am a lot better at it than you are. I want your homes to be beautiful so would you stop hanging your pictures so damn high?

In the coming weeks and months I will show you what to do with all those old picture frames, window panes and old doors. What? you don't have a bunch of old doors hanging around your house? Well, don't get me started about my fetish-like collection of decrepit old doors.